Unpacking Boxes... (part 1)

Since the WR my project had been organizing and planning Walk the Wall 10k in my area. Ever since that was over the end of September, people have been asking me... “So, what' next? What's your next project?” Sometimes I wish I had more to tell them because I've been asking God those same questions but all He has been telling me is “WAIT”. I was fine with that answer for a while but there are times that I get antsy and just want to know. I don't want to wait anymore. I just want to DO something. But God has been teaching me that it isn't always about DOING - it is about BEING. And his words for me now, as I've been asking these questions of Him recently, are “be patient and trust me”.

And so, I wait... not always patiently but I'm learning to trust God more and He is revealing a lot to me. I am waiting, but I am not idle. Right before I left on the WR, I moved back into my parents’ house. I left everything in boxes and added them to the other boxes I had stored and other things I had never moved out of their house. Coming back, it has almost been like I am living in a storage room - living in and amongst all my boxes and the addition of some of my family's stuff. When I arrived home, I shuffled things around and made the space livable but mostly I ignored and avoided the boxes.

I have known that I have needed to go through my stuff and get rid of things even before I left on the WR but I was too busy then. Since coming home, I just didn't want to deal with it all. Part of that is because while I was gone, our basement flooded (which is where my room is) and some of my stuff was ruined despite all my family's efforts to dry things out. I am a neat organized person and in those boxes everything is a mess. Most things are not as I left them. I have not wanted to open the boxes to find things in disarray and try to make sense out of it all and I haven't wanted to find out what all was ruined.

However, after 4 months of doing other things my project now is to unpack all my boxes.  It's amusing to me that the past year all I needed I carried on my back and we were having conversations then about what we really needed to have with us and how we needed to get rid of things. It is so easy to accumulate things when you have space for them; but, when you are carrying everything you own, you begin to really evaluate what you need and what is worth carrying. You don't want to carry more than you need to. Now, I am doing that at home. I am not just to going to unpack these boxes, but to actually go through things and decide what I need to keep, what to give away, and what to throw away. I have a tendency to hold on to things thinking that I might need them in the future. The past year, I have learned that God is a God who provides. He provided for me when I was in need before so why do I need to hold on to something now that I may or may not need in the future? Why can't I give it to someone who is in need of it now and trust that if I do need it in the future, God will provide again? And so, I have begun that process of opening boxes, sorting things, and deciding what to do with the stuff. I have had to throw away many photo albums that were ruined and I have given away boxes/bags of things to Goodwill that I no longer need. I have been going down memory lane as I’m finding lots of things I have held on to even from childhood! And, I have only just begun.

But, I am learning to let go. I am learning that I can’t live looking back at my past or live in the future. I need to live in the here and now. To live in the moment and listen for what God has for me now. God has also not been idle or absent during this time.  As I have started unpacking boxes and literally going through things from my life, God has been showing me that in many ways there have been things in my life that I have treated like these boxes. I am ashamed to admit that I have become good at ignoring and avoiding things. Pretending they aren't there - putting them in “boxes” thinking that I'll deal with them later. Knowing that I need to think and pray about stuff and deal with it but putting it off for some other time that never came. Well, I can no longer run as God has stripped me of all of my excuses for putting things off and it is time to unpack my boxes both literally and emotionally/spiritually. I am not perfect. God is using this time to reveal things to me which are molding and shaping my character. He is purifying me and preparing me for whatever is next.

What about you? Are there things in your life that you have been avoiding and/or ignoring? Now is the time to let Him in and allow Him to work in your life. It may seem daunting or like it will just make a mess of things but I promise you it is worth it. God can't give you more if you continue to hold on to the things of before. Let go! Allow him to work. Sometimes He has to do some pruning in our lives so that we can grow (John 15:1-2). And begin asking the question, “What does He want from/for me TODAY?”

WALK THE WALL

Proverbs 31:8-9

“Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy.”

In China, disabled people are seen as people that do not contribute to society and so they are unwanted and discarded. Families abandon their children so they can have a chance to have a “normal” child, since they are only allowed to have one. Other times, families just cannot afford the care that unhealthy children need and abandon them believing that their child will be better off having the government care for them. The government does have Welfare Centers where the children are taken. The placement of them shows the value they place on these children's lives as the center is on the edge of town... past the drug/alcohol rehab center, past the HIV/AIDS clinic, past the jail. They are hidden.

I had the opportunity to go to China with a team where we worked with an organization called International China Concern (ICC). ICC is a Christian organization that provides full-time care for hundreds of Chinese children and adults with disabilities that had been abandoned. They provide housing, education, proper nutrition, medical care and therapy each and every day in a caring, nurturing environment for hundreds of children. Most of my team worked with ICC and the children that they have been able to take out of the welfare center. Unfortunately, ICC is unable to take all of the children. They wish that they could but they still do what they can to help the children living in the Welfare Center.

ICC has the rare privilege of being able to go into the welfare center to work with the kids there. A few of us had the privilege of going along to help with their snack program and to spend time with the children there. I was one of the ones that volunteered to go to the welfare center every day. Being a social worker, I had worked with disabled children before and figured I could handle it. But, I was not prepared for this....

Walking into the center is an assault on most of our senses - sight, smell, sound, and feel.... You are faced with terrible sounds and smells before you even enter the room that our children stayed in. I was told we were working with kids with disabilities. Doesn't sound so bad, right? Typically, it wouldn't be. It wasn't just kids with disabilities though... it is that compounded with injustice and the ramifications of that.

Here kids with disabilities are unwanted and abandoned. These kids are taken to a place that is supposed to care for them but there is a mortality rate of 85%. The bare minimum is done for these children. The center is overcrowded and they don't have all they need to provide for these children. It is survival of the fittest at its finest. These kids are provided with very little food. There are about 3 bowls of food to feed 12 kids... 2x/day. Food time is a very stressful time for these kids. They will push and grab to get any food they can even if it means grabbing food out of the other kids' hands or mouths. They are quick too!

The caregivers work 24 hours a day and only have 2-3 days off per MONTH. They are burnt out and with the mortality rate; they have to deal with a lot of death. There were 8 deaths the month before we were there. With all of this, they are shut off and unable to connect with the children. These kids are left to themselves most of the day. The babies stay in bed all day and rarely get touched. These kids are unloved.

Back home, if I were to walk into a room full of children they would be running around playing, laughing, and interacting with each other. It may be loud and chaotic but they are full of life. They are given opportunities to have the fullest life possible even with a disability. Walking in to the center can be very depressing. You look at these children and it is NOT normal.... The room is fairly quiet and the children sit or lay there doing nothing. There are spontaneous yells, moans, and cries... all heart-wrenching. The smell of the room is that of dirty children covered in urine and other things. My heart breaks for these kids. They live in a corner room with white walls. It isn't very inviting and it is cold. It is like a waiting room for death.

I spent a month in China going into that room day in and day out (what I wrote above is an excerpt from one of my blogs I wrote while there). That room is cold and uninviting. I spent countless hours in there and it is a place I would not want to live. The time I WAS in there was difficult. The living conditions were something that no one should have to face... let alone a child. Yet, there are many children. I felt powerless. Being a social worker, I am one that cares about social justice and fighting for those that can't fight for themselves. I was not in China as a social worker; I don't know the language or the system to even begin to talk to somebody about it. So what could I do to help these kids? I felt like my hands were tied. I could do nothing.

Needless to say when I left, I was broken. It broke my heart to know that I left but those children remained. Since returning home, China was still on my mind and my heart. I have not been able to forget what I saw and experienced there and I can't ignore it. I felt powerless and those children are powerless. But now that I am home, I can fight for these children. I can speak up for them and share their stories. I am taking action to help ICC raise awareness of the need not only that these children have but the needs of ICC. ICC is there and wants to do more but they need our help. They need the funds to be able to do it. ICC has an annual 10k walk/run around the world, Walk the Wall, for this purpose. Will you join me in fighting for these children?

Visit http://www.walkthewall.org/ for more information, to find a location near you, and to sign-up. The 10k is taking place on September 24^th. If you are unable to participate, please consider sponsoring me! Go to my page by clicking here and give online. Some of you may be unable to do either one, but I ask that you pray. Pray for these children and those taking care of them.

It is time...

Almost a year ago, someone shared a vision with me at the Awakening. She saw a butterfly. It was very detailed and had intricately designed wings. It was beautiful. But in her vision she could only see one wing. The rest of the butterfly was hidden behind a wall. The wing she saw was sticking out from behind that wall. After she shared her vision, she looked at me and said “that butterfly... that's YOU.” She felt that was where I was at and that part of the reason for this trip was for me to fully emerge in who God created me.

I was leery of what people said when they had “visions” and maybe a bit skeptical at times. I wasn't sure how I felt about them and didn't want to believe anything just anybody said. I did not know this girl personally and she didn't know me. So this story, this vision... I KNEW was from God. When PEOPLE talk about someone who is quiet and them coming into who they are, they usually use the phrase, “coming out of her shell” or something along those lines. I have never heard anybody compare it to a butterfly behind a wall. And the fact that she had used the world “wall” really struck me because the first week in the DR, I had told my teammates that I knew I had walls up and wanted God to break them. That week at the Awakening, I had found a lot of freedom so it was encouraging to hear that at least one wing was sticking out from behind the wall!

Fast forward a couple months and we are in Malawi. My team was paired with another team and one of the girls loves to draw. One day she decided to draw on my hand. When I looked down, she had drawn a butterfly... and it was flying. I looked to her for an explanation and she simply said, “You are a new creation.” Malawi was exactly that for me. I grew a lot spiritually and I walked into more of what God had for me. I was living surrendered and walking in faith into what God was asking me. At the end of Malawi I felt like I was flying! One night in particular we were together as a squad for worship and I somehow ended up on stage speaking to the group – encouraging and challenging them. The walk back to our hostel, my team leader was holding on to me because she thought I might “fly” away. I got to talking with her and one of the guys we were walking with about how I was feeling – such joy and things along those lines. He made the comment, "we get that way when we walk into who we are and into our giftings."

God has spoken to me in different ways over the course of the year and one of those ways was through butterflies. Now that I am home, He has once again used a butterfly to speak to me. This time it was through seeing a real butterfly – an Easter Tiger Swallowtail – pollinating some flowers outside our front window on Sunday. I was sitting inside looking out the window trying to process what just happened at church.

Sunday's sermon was from Psalm 97 and our pastor was talking about how God calls us to go deeper with Him and calls us to action. To love God we must hate what he hates – SIN. We must get rid of evil in ourselves and in the world. We must work to destroy it and help those oppressed by it. The pastor went on to talk about ways people to do that. My mind automatically jumped to things I saw and experienced on my trip; China in particular and tears sprang up. I tried hard to fight them off. The sermon ended and the pastor asked us what God was calling us to do. The music started to play and people began to sing. My mind being on China, I prayed... “God I'm organizing a walk right now, what more do you want from me? What more CAN I do? What do you want me to do? I don't know! I wish you would just tell me...” Tears started to well up again, and again I tried to fight them off. However, this time my dad, who was sitting next to me, noticed. He put his hand on my back and with that, I couldn't hold them back anymore. The tears flowed and I could do nothing to stop them. God then spoke and said, “THIS is what I want from you. I want you to be vulnerable. I want you to show your brokenness.” So I sat in church and I cried. After the service ended, I was able to wipe my tears. We went to the pastor and talked to him about the sermon, about the issues in the world, about my walk. His comment was “This is the heart of God.”

So we came home and I sat in the living room lost in thought. I was looking out the window and I saw a butterfly. I have seen other butterflies and they flit and flutter around... you don't see them very long but this butterfly was different. I knew that it was meant for me. I watched it for a long time and as I stared at the butterfly, I asked, “What are you trying to tell me God? What does this butterfly mean?”

He reminded me of church. In church, we sang the song Hosanna... and we were singing “...heal my heart, heal my heart and make it clean. Open up my eyes to the things unseen. And show me how to love like you have loved me. Break my heart for what breaks Yours. Everything I am for your Kingdom's come. As I walk from earth to eternity. Everything I am, Everything I am....” We pray and sing songs for brokenness but do we really mean those words?? Do I mean those words? Do you?

He reminded me of the sermon. He hates what happens in the world. He hates it so much that it GRIEVES Him. He doesn't leave after a month. He is still there. Still seeing what is going on... not just what is going on in China, but what is going on around the world with orphans, street children, human trafficking, poverty, and the list goes on and on. It hurts and pains Him. These are the things that break His heart.

I sang those words and God has broken me; yet, it is not something I want people to see in me. When we were in China, God broke me. I saw and held dying children. God taught me to love as he loves. When I share my story, I tend to share facts, details, things we did... I don't share my emotions. I don't want to talk about the emotional part of it because I don't want to feel the hurt and for fear of becoming emotional. I hate being vulnerable and often times hide myself from people for that reason – to protect myself. But the fact remains: I am broken. Whether I show it or not. There have been many times that tears well up in my eyes and I brush them away and just as many times that I lock myself in my bedroom at night and cry.

And so with that butterfly, God spoke to me and said that through my tears I displayed His beauty. I don't particularly see brokenness as beautiful especially when it involves tears and snot running down my face but God does. Through my brokenness, I showed HIS heart. I showed HIS beauty. I need to stop “flitting and fluttering” around and sit in His presence and “feed” on Him. I need to allow others to actually SEE and not just “fly by” them. God is telling me it is time. It is time to come out from behind the wall to show HIS beauty. It is time to stop hiding. I need to show who He has created me to be. For this, this is the work He has done in me.

Truth Sniper

TRUTH SNIPER. Some of you may be wondering why I chose this name. Others may not get it. What does it mean? I have had several people suggest that I write a blog to explain. So to put all curiosity aside, let me answer your questions.

How I got the name....

It wasn't long after team changes on my mission trip last year, that my new team began to see qualities in me that deemed me the name “truth sniper”. In our conversations I would ask questions, give advice, and offer prayer. I tend to be a quiet person and in groups allow others to do the talking. I sit back and take everything in. On our trip, we had to meet every night for something called “feedback”. During those group times, I would speak up when I felt I had something to offer or sometimes I was put on the spot to share my thoughts. God has given me the gift of wisdom and a different perspective than others so I was able to point things out that my teammates may not have seen otherwise. In one of my teammates words, “As a relatively quiet woman, when she speaks, she absolutely hits you with a truth that you never see coming.”

What I said at those times were things that I didn't think were significant and I didn't understand how my questions were different than what anybody else would ask but my team continued to emphasize that my words were important. They had such weight and power in them that my team told me and encouraged me to speak up more. They informed me that those around me need to hear the truth and the wisdom that the Lord has shown me.

When a sniper shoots someone, the bullet is something that person never saw coming. And so, they called me the truth sniper. I “shot” them with truth that they never saw coming. What I said was unexpected and sometimes hard to hear and so it was like they were being shot.

Naming my blog....

I'm not much of a blogger. I kept one during my trip (alisonwilms.theworldrace.org) because it was something we were expected to do but I had no intentions to continue blogging. Well, God has other plans for me. He reminded me of what my teammates told me throughout the year and so I feel the need to put into into practice what I have been learning. I have thoughts and insights that others may not and I feel like I need to share them. The night God laid this on my heart, he gave me the word “musings”. Kind of a funny word if you ask me, but it is exactly what I feel this blog is for. This blog is to share my thoughts and reflections of things God has placed on my heart in my search for truth in life.... in trying to sort out life after seeing and experiencing the world (the pain and suffering that I saw to the joys and triumphs... how do I incorporate the things that I've seen, experienced, and learned into life now?) and in life now (whatever may come up). Some blogs may be about things I have learned or am learning but in no way do I have things figured out. This blog is to share with you my thoughts, my reflections on things I'm seeing and experiencing now with a changed perspective from seeing the world.

In naming the blog, I knew I needed something more than “musings”. I had many different ideas – all of which were taken. In my search for ideas, I came across this “award” that I was given at the end of my trip...

                                                                       

                                         …seeing it I knew, that was it!

And thus, TRUTH SNIPER MUSINGS. I will give you a glimpse into my mind and perhaps even into my journal, at times. Some of my blogs may be random wonderings but some may be more poignant as I am searching for God's truth in life. I have no intentions of shooting anyone (with truth) but don't say I didn't warn you... it could happen! Maybe just maybe if you feel the sting, it may be something you needed to hear and something you need to think about. Read with an open mind. What is God trying to teach you or tell you?

I would love to hear from you guys - your thoughts and response. Maybe you will have more insight into these things that you can offer me. Or feel free to contact me about other topics you want me to share about and I will see if I have any advice or insight to offer! Again, I am no expert or anything... just a person like you seeking after God's heart and His truth in these matters.

STOP, LOOK, and LISTEN!

Listening to the rustle of the leaves blowing in the wind, birds chirping, singing songs, and calling back and forth, and a woodpecker pecking on the tree... watching birds search for worms, chipmunks and squirrels running about, and butterflies fluttering by... These are all things that I miss, if I don't take the time to be still. When I am still I get to enjoy this peace and calmness that is there when you slow down and sit in God's presence.

This past week or so it has been brought to my attention through a couple conversations that being still is something that I struggle with. This is not new to me but I do find it harder here in the States being surrounded by so many distractions. It is easy to get caught up in what you are doing and think that you just don't have time to be still. One of the reasons I wanted to go on the mission trip I took this past year, was to get away from all the distractions. Yes, I got away from cell phones, television, and easy access to internet but there are always things that we can fill our time with.

It is hard for me to be still. Why? I'm not sure. I am a person that likes to DO things. I am a DOER. On my trip, I injured my knee and it slowed me down a little bit, but it didn't stop me. I kept right on with ministry and most things that my teammates were doing. It wasn't until 6 weeks later, when my knee was still hurting and my teammate telling me I needed to stay in bed, that I took time out of ministry to rest and be still. Even then it was still hard. Others were out working and I knew they needed more help, yet I couldn't do it. In talking with a fellow squad-mate at that time, I realized that part of it is that I defined myself by what I did/ do. I had to redefine how I viewed myself – to see myself as God created me, not by what I do.

Being back at home, I am doing “nothing”. I am not working. I am not going to school. I am 27 and living in my parents’ basement. I have to remind myself that I am NOT and will not become the stereotype of someone who is living in their parent’s basement and doing nothing with their life. That is not me but I guess that is my fear of how people will view me if I don't start doing something “productive” with my life soon. Although I struggle with fear of what people think of me, my fear of God has become greater and I want to listen to Him. I do not want to jump into getting a job and  a car to live my life the way that society sees fit unless I know that is what God's plan is. Right now, God has not revealed a “long-term” plan to me and I don't know that He will. Take Abraham for instance... God told him to go and he went... he didn't know where he was going or any of the details but he went. I know certain things God wants me to do and steps He wants me to take but other than that I don't know and I trust Him to reveal what I need to know when I need to know it.

One thing I do know is that God has been reminding me to “be still.” There are several places that God commands us to “be still”:

Psalm 46:10a “Be still and know that I am God.”

Zechariah 2:13 “Be still before the Lord, all mankind, because He has raised himself from his holy dwelling.”

Habakkuk 2:20 “But the Lord is in his holy temple; let all the earth be silent before him.”

Zephaniah 1:7a “Be silent before the sovereign Lord.”

To be still means to be silent and idle. It sounds so simple yet this is so hard to do! It is so important. This is when we sit in God's presence and allow Him to speak to us. Not that He isn't speaking when we are busying “doing” but we can't hear Him with all the noise of this world. God often times speaks in a gentle whisper like in I Kings 19:9-18 with Elijah. If we don't stop and get away from the noise and quiet our minds, we will miss what God is saying. Do we really want to hear Him? Then we need to make time for Him! We need to make time for Him every day – it could be 5 minutes, it could be an hour, it could be longer. I don't know. Everyone is different and every day is different. I don't have this all figured out. One of my friends was telling me about a guy who spent 25 years in solitude! (I'm not saying that we are called to do that but if we say we put God first, shouldn't that be our desire? To spend time with Him....)

I know this but like I said, it is still hard for me to be still even though I'm not working or going to school. I have a to-do list that seems to keep growing even though I'm crossing things off. I have a list of books people have told me I should read and that keeps growing. I have so many things I need to do and could do in my time. Yet what I keep being reminded of is the NEED to be still. I have learned that the main things in life are to love God and love people. That is my purpose. I say that, but it is harder to live it. I want to sit and spend time with God. Why is it so hard? In reflecting on this, I have realized that besides all the distractions, society ingrains in us that we need to be DOING something. We go to school; we get a job, etc. It is expected that we DO something. The questions people ask - “What are you DOING now?”, “So, what's next?”, “What did you DO today?” - all reflect that. And that is what is modeled for us. It is hard to go against the grain but God calls us, as Christians, to be “in the world but not of the world.”

 And so as I am learning, I encourage you to STOP, LOOK, and LISTEN...  Stop everything that you are doing and give God your time. Sit in His presence and know that he is God. Acknowledge Him and look around you. See His beauty!

                                 Can you see the rainbow? It is small and faint but it is there.

Listen for His voice. What is He telling you? He is speaking; are you listening?

Fourth of July

Fourth of July. A momentous occasion in our history and a wonderful celebration filled with food, fun, and fireworks. Normally a great day for all. I grew up celebrating with family and going to see some great firework shows. This year, however, was different for me. It wasn't different in the fact that I still spent the day with my family and we went to see fireworks – supposedly one of the better ones in this area. What was different then? My perspective. A year ago, I left on the WR and I just don't see things the same way that I used to since traveling the world....

There have been several things that have come up on the way things are done in America or different things that I question. I don't know that I have any answers but there are things that I think about and ponder. How can I incorporate all the things that I have learned in the past year to life here in America? I'm not sure that I can, but I want to try. But mainly, I just want to continue seeking the heart of God... wherever that may lead me and whatever that might look like.

So last night as many people do on the Fourth of July, we went to see the fireworks. I spent the night with my niece in my lap holding my hands over her ears as she doesn't like the loud noise of the fireworks. We “oohed” and “aah-ed” at many of them and she was scared of the fireballs because they were too hot. All in all, it was a fun time with my family and a good show. But that is just it... it was a show. Behind all the fireworks the night sky was filled with stars. As the fireworks ended, my sister turned to me and asked what I thought (this was the first time I'd gone to these fireworks). I wasn't sure what to say about the fireworks because all I could think was that I would rather be sitting under the African night sky looking at the great expanse of stars we experienced there.

The show was over. The lights came on and everyone was up and heading to their cars. I remained seated looking up at the Ohio stars. Nobody else really stopped to look. My brother-in-law helps out with the fireworks so we waited at our car for him to be done with clean-up. I played with my niece some before I climbed up on the hood of the car to wait. As I sat there, I noticed everyone else was in a hurry to get home. I could hear the blaring of horns and people yelling, “Come on!” as they impatiently waited to get out of the line of traffic and get home. With a heavy heart, I laid back and looked into the sky. The stars had become brighter and more were visible. I felt alone. Nobody else was seeing what I was seeing... they were missing it! They missed the real show as I'm sure nobody else saw the shooting stars I saw.

As I watched, I couldn't help but wonder... what must God be feeling? Crowds of people gather and watch the fireworks in awe. They get up and leave without seeing what else is there. They don't see! It brings tears to my eyes and saddens me to know that God is watching and waiting... waiting for the day that people will SEE. That they will know and acknowledge him. He is not going to put on some show. But he is there. As I saw the shooting stars, I felt him wrap his arms around me. He loves me so much that He continually shows me that He is the same no matter where I am and he reminds me that the beauty I saw around the world, exists in Ohio too. God loves us all SO much and he is there waiting... do you see Him? Are you looking or are you too busy with your life to see how he is working behind the scenes? Because, he is there... whether we acknowledge him or not.