Unpacking Boxes...(part 5 of 5): LOVE

It’s kind of ironic to me that I've been planning to write this blog for a while and now that I'm posting it it happens to be right before Valentine's Day. I have never been one to really celebrate Valentine's Day except maybe when I was in elementary school and we all had to make boxes to get valentines in and we passed out little cards to everyone else in the class. Now don't get me wrong... I'm not the type of girl that hates the day or anything, but I've never really recognized it as different from any other day. However, in college, I dreaded going to chapel through the month of February because every single talk during that month every year was about love. I was the one sitting there with my arms crossed and rolling my eyes thinking, “Great, here we go again. Why do they always have to talk about this just because Valentine's Day is this month?” Thinking about that and how I am now finding myself being the one bringing it up, it is funny to me.

And looking back, it makes me laugh to think that love has been the topic of my messages throughout our travels from Ireland to Malawi and back home again to the youth group at my church. But I get it now. I get why everyone always talked about love this time of year. Valentine's Day is a day to celebrate love and so why not use the day of celebration as a way to bring up the greatest love of all? Or the greatest lover?

If you followed me on my race, you maybe noticed that love tended to be a theme for me. At the beginning of my journey, I was beginning to understand more and more how much God truly loves me (read blog). And once I had that understanding, I wanted others to know it too. Hence, my preaching about it (watch here). Then further along my journey, I began to learn to love people the way that God loves us (read blog). But there is a piece missing. A piece of my journey that I have not shared with you....

I fell in love....

Yep, I did! I fell in love with my Maker, my Creator, my Savior...and my Lover. I have been a Christian for a very long time and I have always known God as the first three and maybe even described as my Father or my Friend... but never my Lover.

In my speaking to the youth group this summer, God spoke to me too. I shared with the youth group that I for a long time knew that God loved me... in my head... but not with my heart. As I've let go of so many things over the course of the past year and a half, it has allowed me to open my heart up more and more. The more I let go of, the more room I make for God to come in. I've had to let go of fear, pride, and shame to name a few. Once I was able to do that, I could accept and embrace the love He has been offering all along. And I've come to know God's love in a new way. A deeper and more intimate way. It is exciting and exhilarating. That is the love that is worth talking about.

The kind of love that one will do anything for the other even if it seems crazy. That is the love that sent Him to the cross. He died for me. and for you.

It is that kind of love that will lead me to do things that otherwise I would have said “no way”, “yeah right”, or plain out “no”. I can be stubborn and stuck in my ways but when He asks, I can't help myself but to say “okay”. Because it is that kind of love that allows me to TRUST Him.

It is that kind of love that compels you to go deeper. To be more intimate. To want to get to know Him and to spend time with Him. To pray. To read the Bible. For so long, I have done it out of obligation because that is what “good” Christians are supposed to do. And if I didn't do it, I felt guilty. But now, there is desire. There is a longing.

It is the kind of love that people notice. When someone is “in love”, you can tell by their expressions, their actions, and the way they light up when they spend time with each other or when talking about the one they love.

It was while I was in the Philippines that God began to show me that desiring intimacy and loving Him is the most important thing. Ironically, it was where I celebrated Valentine's Day with 30 others from my squad. And as I began to seek intimacy with Him, I found it.

And so, I want to share a story with you. It is a story of one of my favorite days in the Philippines and quite possibly the race. This is not the first time or the last but it was one moment along my journey of discovering my heart that I fell deeper in love with Him.

It was my day off from ministry. Myself and about 8 others were planning to venture to the waterfalls. It was a rainy day but we decided to go none the less because we were just planning to get wet anyway. We took a short ride up the road from our ministry site where we were dropped off and met up with two tour guides. The tour guides led us into the jungle to hike the mountains to several different spots and in each a spectacular waterfall.

The hike was wet and muddy. Some slipped, fell, and got covered with mud. But it was well worth the hike.

We arrived at the first waterfall and we were given some time to get in the water. We stripped down to our bathing suits and stepped into the water. Climbing over rocks and fallen trees we made our way closer to the waterfall. The closer we got the harder to walk from the power of the water. It became a struggle to go any further, but I managed to make it somewhat under the falls. I found some rocks to sit on and wedge myself between so the rush of the water wouldn't push me further away.

I sat on that rock with the waterfall pouring over me. As I sat there, I felt God's presence so strongly. Everything else faded away. I couldn't tell you what anyone else was doing. I had entered my own world and anything out of that did not exist. Nothing else mattered. To be so aware of Him. To feel the power of the waterfall hitting me. At times stronger than others where I felt it sting. I sat there squealing and laughing as I was pelted by the waterfall. Then to look out and see green... a canopy of trees above me and sitting in sparkling blue water. I was amazed by his power and beauty surrounding me. I sat there praying and praising Him. Thanking Him. In awe of Him. I fell in love once again. A God that created something so magnificent loves me. And allowed me to be a part of something special. I didn't want to leave my spot on that rock but we had other waterfalls to go see... and each one was incredible in its own way.

After returning to our ministry site that day, one of my teammates commented that the smile never left my face while we were there. I'm sure my eyes were sparkling, as well. Because, well, I... was in love!

And as I crawled into bed that night, I looked over at the wall... and on it was a chalk drawing of a waterfall. Beside it, it said “Be overwhelmed by His love.” It was drawn for me earlier in the month by my squad-mate Shawndell. It was then I realized the power of that day for I in fact had been overwhelmed by His love and that was His plan all along….

It took me traveling the world to discover that there is so much more to God. SO much. I’ve grown up in church and for 20 years, I missed it. I didn't understand....

Life is about a relationship with God. A relationship that is real and intimate and goes deeper. Intimacy with Him is what I have been pursuing. I don't know that I will ever fully understand the depths of His love but that is what I am after. And that is my desire for others.. for YOU.



"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I  pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."
Ephesians 3:16-19

Unpacking Boxes...(part 4): SHAME

I have been dreading writing this blog, but I know it is one that needs to be written. It is awkward for me to share this story with you and I apologize in advance if you feel awkward at parts of it but don't say I didn't warn you. And, there is a purpose in my sharing this with you as you will find out if you keep reading.

One day during the summer I was up early to go to a doctor’s appointment. Now this wasn't just any doctor’s appointment... I was going to the gynecologist. I don't like going to the doctors in general but I was absolutely dreading this appointment. I had only been once before and it was one of the worst experiences ever. So much so that, even though it is expected annually, I swore I was never going to go back unless it was absolutely necessary. That was six years ago. Now, it wasn't absolutely necessary that I go this summer but after the prompting of my family doctor I decided it was probably something I needed to do. The last time I had gone the gynecologist had found a lump which then led to a mammogram and some other tests to determine if it was cancerous or not. That was also a terrible experience but thankfully they determined it was not cancerous. Thinking about those experiences and knowing I hadn't been to the gynecologist in a long time, I was concerned on what was going to take place at this appointment.

As I was getting ready, my sister came in my room to find out what I was doing up so early. I told her I was going to the doctor. Being the only ones home, she asked me how I was getting there (if you haven't read my previous blogs, I don't have a car) and I told her that I was walking. She gave me a funny look and said, “If you would have told me, I probably could have taken you on my way to work.” She walked out of my room and I finished getting ready. She was back at my door a few minutes later saying, “I can probably still take you if you want me to.” I told her that it was okay because I wanted to walk. She looked at me like I was crazy as I gathered my stuff to leave.

Maybe I am crazy. What would be a ten minute drive is a much longer walk. But having been home from the WR only a few months, I was still in the mindset that walking is the norm. Most times we walked to our ministry sites even if it took 45 minutes or longer to get there and we did it every day. On the WR, I came to find that those walks were times that I could spend in prayer preparing for my day of ministry. And that was why I wanted to walk. I wanted, no I needed, to spend time in prayer before my appointment. I was worried and part of me scared... fearing the worst. What if the lump is cancerous now? What if it has spread since I was there last? All the “What ifs” running through my head.

So I set off and I began to pray. Giving all my fears and anxieties to God. Asking Him to be with me in the appointment no matter the outcome. Part of a song popped in my head so I started singing:

Into Marvelous light I'm running. Out of darkness, out of shame.

By the cross you are the truth, you are the life, you are the way...

(you can listen here)

A ways into my walk having the thought, “I wish I was a boy. Then I wouldn't have to go through all of this. Because who really wants to go to an appointment every year where we have to get naked and then are felt up, inflicted pain upon, and you leave bleeding. Not me. And we pay them for this? Pretty sure guys don't have to go through that.”

I made it to my appointment right on time. Thankful to sit down, I filled out the needed paperwork.  Then I was taken back to the examination room. The doctor came in and asked me some questions. She left so I could get undressed before she came back to complete her examination. I will spare all the details and medical terminology but basically she told me that from some things she was noticing, it appeared as though my hormones aren't balanced... that I have high levels of testosterone. She went on to explain that if not treated, I could experience male pattern hair growth, among other things, but the most common is facial hair.

I left that appointment not knowing what to think. I had gone in fearing that I was going to have to get another mammogram and the possibility of cancer but I came out having been told that my hormones are messed up. That was not what I was expecting. I began my long walk back home. So many questions filled my head. Once again, I began to pray giving all of it to God. On my walk back, I was reminded of my thoughts earlier of how it would be better to be a boy... and exclaimed, “God, I don't really want to be a boy! I don't want to look like one either... I am a girl.”

Throughout the rest of the day, the song from earlier continued to play through my head... the same part over and over... Into Marvelous light I'm running. Out of darkness, out of shame. By the cross you are the truth, you are the life, you are the way...

 I felt that God was telling me that I was walking out of my shame.

Shame = the uncomfortable or painful feeling that we experience when we realize that a part of us is defective, bad, incomplete, rotten, phony, inadequate, or a failure

In some way that day was a significant part of that walk. Yes, there are things in my life that bring me shame and I have lived in shame because of them. Those are things and parts of me I had wanted to deny and I hid them. I am not perfect and I know that I am not but for some reason I felt like that was how I had to portray myself to people. Feeling I had to live up to expectations. Perhaps because of my PRIDE. I was afraid to admit my imperfections and failures... afraid of what people might think... how they might view me.

God has been speaking to me about being vulnerable and this is a journey He started me on while on the WR. Sharing my flaws, imperfections, and failures. The ways that I felt defective or inadequate. Things I felt shame in. Allowing God and others to see me for who I really am and not just for what I want them to see.

Much like that day at the gynecologist...

To stand naked

Exposed

Every flaw and imperfection clearly visible

Unable to hide

                       

That day at the gynecologist, I stood before her and she pointed out my physical/medical flaws; yet, I felt no shame when there once was a time I would have. The significance of that day is the realization of that song. For that is what God has done in my life not just at the appointment but in other areas of my life, as well. As I have started sharing the things in my life, I brought them out of darkness and into the light. I exposed them. In the dark they hold power and I was isolated, but exposed in the light is where healing can take place.

I know I am not alone. Many of us have shame in some area of our life whether it is insecurities in our physical appearance, qualities in us that we view as defective, or things we have done. Despite all of this, we should be able to stand “naked” before Christ. Exposing all of our sins, flaws, and imperfections and giving them to Him. He created us and He knows the depth of our sin. He is aware of everything yet He still accepts us and loves us for who we are.

Trusting God and knowing the LOVE He has for me is what has helped me on my journey. It doesn't mean it is easy but because of the TRUST I have in God I knew I had to listen in His leading me to be vulnerable with others. I have found the more I talk about the things I had found shame in the easier it becomes in sharing it and I usually don't get the reaction that I was afraid would happen. Not only have I seen that I am still accepted and loved but that I can begin to embrace who I am. I am a girl who has flaws and imperfections but God has created me to be me. God has forgiven me and He accepts me and loves me for who I am. Now it is time I do the same for myself.

I invite you to do the same... identify what brings you shame and give it to God. Don't deny it or hide it any longer. Know that He loves you and accepts you regardless. Find someone you trust so you can begin to share with them and bring your shame into the light. Don't let shame hold power over your life. Let your healing begin.

Into Marvelous light I'm running. Out of darkness, out of shame. By the cross you are the truth, you are the life, you are the way...

Unpacking Boxes... (part 3): TRUST

Alison,

God has truly blessed my life with our friendship and I am so excited to see how that continues to grow! In praying for you the other day, God have me the word TRUST. In the short time I have known you, a character trait I continually see in you is trust. Your team trusts you, your family trusts you, and even people that are newly placed in your life can sense that quality. God gave you that gift for a beautiful purpose and reason and all he asks in return is for you to TRUST Him back. So step out, take that chance, do a death scream if you must :) and walk in faith knowing you have a great and wonderful Papa with whom you can TRUST with even the tiny, little details of your life. Can't wait to see the ways God is planning on rocking your world this month!

Much Love, Micah

“I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in Him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13

  

This was a note given to me at some point on our long bus ride through Africa (read blog from bus ride). I read the note, was encouraged in part and dismissed part thinking “I don't know what she means that I need to trust God in return because I do trust Him.”

I didn't think much more about it until recently....

Fast forward 6 months. I am in Malaysia and the end of the WR is looming. The girls on my team are anxiously trying to figure out “what's next” for them. We are going home soon and are unsure of what we are going to do. With all their talk and trying to make plans, I essentially started to ask the same question. Soon these thoughts began to consume my mind and it was hard to focus on our ministry there in Malaysia.

On one of our days off, we happened to be staying with our contacts (our place had flooded the day before) and we were able to use the pool in their apartment complex. Us girls spent some time by the pool that morning until a big dark storm cloud blew in. With the sun covered, a dark cloud overhead, and rain undoubtedly on the way, the other girls decided to pack up and head to a coffee shop around the corner. I opted to stay by the pool as I just needed some time to be alone.

I was excited when the cloud blew over and the sun came back out! I was left alone to swim and bask in the sun. I dove in and swam the length of the pool before coming up for air. I leaned on the edge of the pool to catch my breath and I began to pray. I began to give things I'd been trying to deal with on my own (frustrations, etc.) over to God and then I began to pray about my future. As I did, my prayers began to change.... Remembering my frustrations of the last few days and the frustrations of team leaders when all anyone did was repeatedly ask them questions that they may or may not have had answers to, I asked God “do you ever get frustrated with us? We keep asking you the same questions over and over and over again...”

God brought to mind all the times in the past year that I lived from month to month not worrying about what was to come in the next one. I knew that AIM was taking care of things and had things under control. I knew that they would communicate what was needed to the squad leaders and the squad leaders to the leaders and on down to us... my time to know would come when I needed to know. Sometimes I didn't know where I was going until 2 days before we left and I was okay with that. I didn't have to ask questions. I knew I would get to where I needed to be when the time came whether I knew where I was going or not. I trusted them.

As I thought about that, I relinquished everything. I prayed, “Okay God, if I can trust them, surely, I can trust that you are going to tell me what I need to know when I need to know it. I will stop asking you the same question over and over and start listening for you to speak. I know you will speak when the time comes. I trust you.”

 

I have been finding out those words are easier said than done....

 

The WR ended and I came home not knowing much about my future but trusting that God would lead. Not long after being home, I went to visit my old co-workers and share about my trip. The next day my ex-supervisor called me and asked if I wanted my job back. I knew this wasn't what I wanted for my life but it was tempting to take the job just to have a job and make money. I told her I would think about it and let her know.

As I prayed about it the rest of that day and into the next, I felt God asking, “Do you trust me?”  I trust you, God. I know that you have a plan for me but why not work and make some money until you tell me what it is you have for me? “You know this is not what I have for you. So why would you go back? Do you trust me?”

As I thought about His question, I had to ask myself that. I thought I trusted Him. Having grown up in the church you hear that word all the time but what does it really mean?

So I looked it up. In Webster's New World Dictionary it defines it this way:

Trust = to rely or depend on

And as I've sought out what it really means to trust/depend on God, I've been reminded of the analogy of riding a tandem bike with God (if you don't know the analogy you can read it here) and the part of what it looks like when we trust Him. He is in the front seat and we are to be in the back. We are completely dependent upon Him. We can't pedal or steer the bike without His help. Sometimes we can't even see where we are going. He is leading and we are following - trusting/relying on Him to get us where we need to go. We literally won't go anywhere He doesn't go because we are attached to Him. He goes before us.  He is with us every step of the way.

Thinking about that, do I really trust Him? Do I depend on Him? These are questions I've had to ask myself the past several months. I was reminded of the note that I was given on the African bus trip and realized that perhaps Micah was right, I didn't really trust Him. I trusted myself. And God was asking me to trust Him instead.

I think often times I find myself in the front seat of the tandem bike. I am the one in control. I'm pedaling away and only turning to God when I need help. Feeling anxious or afraid and asking God where I should steer the bike because I can't see up ahead.....

With my words, “Okay God, I trust you.” I am making a choice to stop pedaling, to get off the bike, and to switch places with God. I am letting Him take the front seat and allowing Him to steer me through life. That first step is the hardest but that doesn't mean that the rest is easy. There are times I want to take the front seat back but then I hear God's voice asking me, “Do you trust me?” Sometimes things come up that I feel DOUBT or SHAME, to name a few, but again I hear God saying “trust me”. It is that voice I choose to listen to for He doesn't just know the way, He IS the way.

Sometimes things may not make sense or may even sound crazy at times. It goes against the norms of this society. Those are the times I want to take over. To do things on my own. Then I'm reminded of the well-known verse:

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

 

God reminds me to “lean not on your own understanding...trust me...I will direct your steps”. Things may not make sense to us but that is when we have to trust. God has a plan. He knows the way and He will get us there if we will only trust Him. If we will only set aside our independence and pride or whatever else gets in our way and allow Him to take over.

If you read my previous blog, you will know that is something I have struggled with. I like to be in control but I am learning to let go... even if, at times, it is throwing my hands up to take my hands off the handle bars of the bike and exasperatedly saying, “Fine God. This is crazy. I don't know how this is going to work but if it is you’re going to have to do it.” And once I give up control it is still a struggle to allow God to stay in control. He may tell me something about my future and then I go with that and try to figure it out... to figure out how it is going to work or how to get there. That is when God has been telling me, “Wait. Be patient. Trust me.”

And if I look at Proverbs 3:5-6 in the Message version it says:

“Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track. Don't assume that you know it all.”

 

So I continue to seek Him every step of the way. I know that I am where God wants me and that He has a plan for me. Yes, 7 months later and I have no job, no car. But that is what I have chosen. I have learned to hear God's voice and now I am learning to listen even if it sounds crazy or doesn't make sense. Because I trust Him. God told me to “wait”. I believe He has a plan and looking back over the past 7 months I can see how He has used me in various ways that had I taken a job or had a car... they wouldn't have happened. He has also used this time to teach me the lessons I am sharing with you and I know that He is also using this time to prepare me for what is next. So I continue to wait until I hear otherwise. I am not worried. I know God will provide for me and take care of me. He will speak when it is time. I trust Him.

The verse Micah wrote in her note to me over a year ago comes back to me…. It is where I have found that when I trust God and walk in that I have a joy, peace, and hope that I can’t explain. And so this is my prayer for you as well:

 “I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in Him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13

With that prayer, there are some questions I want you to think about. What about you? Do you trust God? I mean really trust Him? What seat are you on riding your tandem bike?

Unpacking Boxes... (part 2): INDEPENDENCE and PRIDE

For those of you that read part 1 of this, sorry it has taken me a couple months to continue with this blog series. As I mentioned in that blog, I tend to ignore and avoid things that I don't want to deal with. I think that subconsciously that is what happened. I have been learning these lessons and had good intentions of sharing them but to sit down and write them and then actually post them is a little harder than I first anticipated. So, I've put it off. I hope to continue with these in a more timely fashion :)
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This time last year I was in Cape Town, South Africa. It was one of my favorite months on the WR. We lived and ministered with Ma and Pa at the Jeremiah Project. I loved the ministry and the neighborhood kids that we worked with. Days off we spent traveling around with our contacts to see all the beauty that Cape Town has to offer. Cape Town is one of the most beautiful places that I traveled to and it has some of the most breathtaking beaches right next to the mountains. Our days off tended to be busier than our ministry days. On one of our days off we were taken to hike Table Mountain (on the Kasteelspoort trail, I believe). We were told that it would take about 3 hours... to the top and back.

I was excited to go and my whole team went. On the WR you go where your team goes... so I don’t remember thinking much about it. But I should have.... You see, a couple weeks prior our team had been blessed to go out on the boat of one of the volunteers we'd worked with in Johannesburg, South Africa. We went tubing and then they were teaching us to water ski. It was my turn and I actually got up on the skis for a little bit. I was trying to remember what they had told us... “arms straight,” check; “legs together,” nope. As I tried to bring them together, the waves took my left leg a different direction which caused me to twist my knee. I went down and the skis went flying off. As I bobbed in the water, my left leg was bent and I couldn't move it. For a moment I freaked out inside and was afraid that I had broken it. The guy on the Jet Ski rode up and asked if I was okay. I very calmly and simply told him, “My knee hurts.” He grabbed me by the life vest and pulled me over to the boat and they pulled me in. I was able to stretch my leg out some. When we got back to shore I put my leg up and iced it. I'm not exactly sure if I tore something or what I did to my knee but it swelled really big. I couldn't bend it all the way without it hurting. My injury slowed me down the rest of that month but it didn't stop me. I just spent a little more time on the couch elevating and icing my knee and I adjusted my walk to not bend my knee so much. We then traveled to Cape Town. The swelling had gone and my knee was getting better but it wasn't completely healed and I should have thought about that and what it might be like to climb a mountain with an injured knee….

Pa had woken us up early that day by yelling throughout the house. He wanted us to get an early start to be able to climb the mountain during the cool part of the day. We stopped and prayed at the beginning of the trail and then we were off. The first part of the journey was filled with talk, laughter, and a slight inclining slope. We were off to a good start and the view was incredible.

A little ways into it a couple of the girls from the ministry decided to turn back because of problems with asthma. The rest of us continued on. So far things had been pretty good and we were thinking we had to be halfway up the mountain. Boy, were we wrong! We then got to a part that was like stairs... so you really were climbing and not just walking. This is when it got difficult for me. I realized that I couldn't really put my full weight on my knee to push myself to the next step. So I began to climb with my good leg. Each step. For a while that was okay. But if you have ever tried to climb a bunch of stairs or a mountain with one leg doing all the work... you know that you tire much quicker. I was out-of-breath, exhausted, and the muscles in my good leg were burning. The steps turned into actual climbing. I pushed myself but I began to slow down and fall behind. I needed to rest more often.

        

That was hard for me but my team was great. Someone was always back with me and they were there for me... offering to carry my bag or give me a hand. I brushed them off saying that I could do it. I never once admitted to them that day how much I was hurting or how much I was struggling.

I would even put a smile on for pictures but inside I began to beat myself up... telling myself I should have turned back when the other girls did but it was too late now so need to keep going, that I was holding everyone back, and on and on and on....

We finally reached a point that we were going downhill slightly. Excited to be at the top, I picked up my pace. I stepped wrong on one of the rocks and jerked my knee again. Tears sprang to my eyes as I felt the pain in my knee. Thankful for my sunglasses to hide the tears, I kept going... until further ahead I realized I wasn't at the top. It was time to climb again. I stopped and looked up. Feeling defeated I thought, “I can't do this. I can't go on.” I sat to rest. I was done... physically and emotionally. My teammates that were behind me caught up and I think they knew. They surrounded me and prayed over me. Then they were offering anything and everything that they thought might help... a sandwich, a piece of gum, an iPod, and an umbrella (to keep the sun off me). I begrudgingly accepted it all except the umbrella. I'm not sure how they were expecting me to climb carrying an umbrella but the picture of it made me laugh.

Chewing gum and listening to music, I was off again. My attitude changed as I remembered Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” I prayed for God to strengthen me and help me make it to the top. As I was praying, Franklin, one of the guys from Jeremiah Project, held out his hand to help pull me up on a big rock. I didn't want to accept the help. But then I heard God speak....

You keep asking me for help.  I keep offering to help you and you don't accept my help. Here I am right in front of you. I am offering my hand and you keep pushing me away....Will you accept my help this time?

I felt like God had reached down and smacked me upside the head. I had been praying for God to help ME. I’m not sure what I thought He would do whether heal my knee to make things easier or what but that He was going to do something so that I would be able to accomplish this without having to admit to my team that I couldn’t do it or having to depend on anyone else.

Humbled, I reached out and grabbed Franklin’s hand. He pulled me up and we kept climbing. Shortly after that we truly had arrived at the top. I was never so glad to see my teammates that had gone up ahead. We had made it!

I share this story because it was the beginning of my recognition of something I have done for a long time and I’m sure you can even tell that from my response in Jo’burg when I got hurt (I just didn’t recognize it then). I am an independent person. I do not like to admit weakness or failure, much less ask for help. My independence was something I was proud of. My belief was that I am a capable person and I don't need help from others because I can do it myself. My pride kept me from sharing with my team about how I was doing during the climb. Because I didn't talk about it, my thoughts and in essence my pride tore me down emotionally and spiritually that day. My pride kept me from asking for help. Yet with my team, I didn't have to ask for help – they were there offering themselves; their love. And I couldn't accept it. I pushed them away. Sometimes God uses other people as His hands and feet; so ultimately in pushing them away, I was pushing God away... not accepting His love.  That was the realization that hit me when God spoke on the mountain that day. It was one of the most humbling moments and since then God has continued to work in that area of my life.

During the rest of my trip it was seen in little ways... for instance, when we were traveling and I automatically picked up my bag to carry it and dismissed the offer for one of the guys to take it. But having talked with my team after that day, they knew so they got after me and I would have to give up my bag. It was a struggle but I began to learn to accept help when it was offered.

Since being back in the States, it is something I have had to let go of more and more. God has stripped me of everything of the independent life I had before the WR. No longer living on my own, I am back living in my parents' basement. No job. No car. It was a struggle at first and still is at times. Feeling like I had somehow failed at life and afraid of what people would think. I had to let go of my pride and hold on to the truth. I am not a failure. I am living the life God has called me to and it is a blessing to be able to live with my parents. It has gotten easier but sometimes I feel like I'm back in Jr. High... having to ask to borrow a car or for rides to get places and everything but God is using that to stretch me and make me grow. That is when I have to let go of my pride and ask for help. I literally can't get anywhere without Him. And when I ask, He provides. There is purpose in where He has me and I am learning to TRUST Him.

Unpacking Boxes... (part 1)

Since the WR my project had been organizing and planning Walk the Wall 10k in my area. Ever since that was over the end of September, people have been asking me... “So, what' next? What's your next project?” Sometimes I wish I had more to tell them because I've been asking God those same questions but all He has been telling me is “WAIT”. I was fine with that answer for a while but there are times that I get antsy and just want to know. I don't want to wait anymore. I just want to DO something. But God has been teaching me that it isn't always about DOING - it is about BEING. And his words for me now, as I've been asking these questions of Him recently, are “be patient and trust me”.

And so, I wait... not always patiently but I'm learning to trust God more and He is revealing a lot to me. I am waiting, but I am not idle. Right before I left on the WR, I moved back into my parents’ house. I left everything in boxes and added them to the other boxes I had stored and other things I had never moved out of their house. Coming back, it has almost been like I am living in a storage room - living in and amongst all my boxes and the addition of some of my family's stuff. When I arrived home, I shuffled things around and made the space livable but mostly I ignored and avoided the boxes.

I have known that I have needed to go through my stuff and get rid of things even before I left on the WR but I was too busy then. Since coming home, I just didn't want to deal with it all. Part of that is because while I was gone, our basement flooded (which is where my room is) and some of my stuff was ruined despite all my family's efforts to dry things out. I am a neat organized person and in those boxes everything is a mess. Most things are not as I left them. I have not wanted to open the boxes to find things in disarray and try to make sense out of it all and I haven't wanted to find out what all was ruined.

However, after 4 months of doing other things my project now is to unpack all my boxes.  It's amusing to me that the past year all I needed I carried on my back and we were having conversations then about what we really needed to have with us and how we needed to get rid of things. It is so easy to accumulate things when you have space for them; but, when you are carrying everything you own, you begin to really evaluate what you need and what is worth carrying. You don't want to carry more than you need to. Now, I am doing that at home. I am not just to going to unpack these boxes, but to actually go through things and decide what I need to keep, what to give away, and what to throw away. I have a tendency to hold on to things thinking that I might need them in the future. The past year, I have learned that God is a God who provides. He provided for me when I was in need before so why do I need to hold on to something now that I may or may not need in the future? Why can't I give it to someone who is in need of it now and trust that if I do need it in the future, God will provide again? And so, I have begun that process of opening boxes, sorting things, and deciding what to do with the stuff. I have had to throw away many photo albums that were ruined and I have given away boxes/bags of things to Goodwill that I no longer need. I have been going down memory lane as I’m finding lots of things I have held on to even from childhood! And, I have only just begun.

But, I am learning to let go. I am learning that I can’t live looking back at my past or live in the future. I need to live in the here and now. To live in the moment and listen for what God has for me now. God has also not been idle or absent during this time.  As I have started unpacking boxes and literally going through things from my life, God has been showing me that in many ways there have been things in my life that I have treated like these boxes. I am ashamed to admit that I have become good at ignoring and avoiding things. Pretending they aren't there - putting them in “boxes” thinking that I'll deal with them later. Knowing that I need to think and pray about stuff and deal with it but putting it off for some other time that never came. Well, I can no longer run as God has stripped me of all of my excuses for putting things off and it is time to unpack my boxes both literally and emotionally/spiritually. I am not perfect. God is using this time to reveal things to me which are molding and shaping my character. He is purifying me and preparing me for whatever is next.

What about you? Are there things in your life that you have been avoiding and/or ignoring? Now is the time to let Him in and allow Him to work in your life. It may seem daunting or like it will just make a mess of things but I promise you it is worth it. God can't give you more if you continue to hold on to the things of before. Let go! Allow him to work. Sometimes He has to do some pruning in our lives so that we can grow (John 15:1-2). And begin asking the question, “What does He want from/for me TODAY?”

WALK THE WALL

Proverbs 31:8-9

“Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy.”

In China, disabled people are seen as people that do not contribute to society and so they are unwanted and discarded. Families abandon their children so they can have a chance to have a “normal” child, since they are only allowed to have one. Other times, families just cannot afford the care that unhealthy children need and abandon them believing that their child will be better off having the government care for them. The government does have Welfare Centers where the children are taken. The placement of them shows the value they place on these children's lives as the center is on the edge of town... past the drug/alcohol rehab center, past the HIV/AIDS clinic, past the jail. They are hidden.

I had the opportunity to go to China with a team where we worked with an organization called International China Concern (ICC). ICC is a Christian organization that provides full-time care for hundreds of Chinese children and adults with disabilities that had been abandoned. They provide housing, education, proper nutrition, medical care and therapy each and every day in a caring, nurturing environment for hundreds of children. Most of my team worked with ICC and the children that they have been able to take out of the welfare center. Unfortunately, ICC is unable to take all of the children. They wish that they could but they still do what they can to help the children living in the Welfare Center.

ICC has the rare privilege of being able to go into the welfare center to work with the kids there. A few of us had the privilege of going along to help with their snack program and to spend time with the children there. I was one of the ones that volunteered to go to the welfare center every day. Being a social worker, I had worked with disabled children before and figured I could handle it. But, I was not prepared for this....

Walking into the center is an assault on most of our senses - sight, smell, sound, and feel.... You are faced with terrible sounds and smells before you even enter the room that our children stayed in. I was told we were working with kids with disabilities. Doesn't sound so bad, right? Typically, it wouldn't be. It wasn't just kids with disabilities though... it is that compounded with injustice and the ramifications of that.

Here kids with disabilities are unwanted and abandoned. These kids are taken to a place that is supposed to care for them but there is a mortality rate of 85%. The bare minimum is done for these children. The center is overcrowded and they don't have all they need to provide for these children. It is survival of the fittest at its finest. These kids are provided with very little food. There are about 3 bowls of food to feed 12 kids... 2x/day. Food time is a very stressful time for these kids. They will push and grab to get any food they can even if it means grabbing food out of the other kids' hands or mouths. They are quick too!

The caregivers work 24 hours a day and only have 2-3 days off per MONTH. They are burnt out and with the mortality rate; they have to deal with a lot of death. There were 8 deaths the month before we were there. With all of this, they are shut off and unable to connect with the children. These kids are left to themselves most of the day. The babies stay in bed all day and rarely get touched. These kids are unloved.

Back home, if I were to walk into a room full of children they would be running around playing, laughing, and interacting with each other. It may be loud and chaotic but they are full of life. They are given opportunities to have the fullest life possible even with a disability. Walking in to the center can be very depressing. You look at these children and it is NOT normal.... The room is fairly quiet and the children sit or lay there doing nothing. There are spontaneous yells, moans, and cries... all heart-wrenching. The smell of the room is that of dirty children covered in urine and other things. My heart breaks for these kids. They live in a corner room with white walls. It isn't very inviting and it is cold. It is like a waiting room for death.

I spent a month in China going into that room day in and day out (what I wrote above is an excerpt from one of my blogs I wrote while there). That room is cold and uninviting. I spent countless hours in there and it is a place I would not want to live. The time I WAS in there was difficult. The living conditions were something that no one should have to face... let alone a child. Yet, there are many children. I felt powerless. Being a social worker, I am one that cares about social justice and fighting for those that can't fight for themselves. I was not in China as a social worker; I don't know the language or the system to even begin to talk to somebody about it. So what could I do to help these kids? I felt like my hands were tied. I could do nothing.

Needless to say when I left, I was broken. It broke my heart to know that I left but those children remained. Since returning home, China was still on my mind and my heart. I have not been able to forget what I saw and experienced there and I can't ignore it. I felt powerless and those children are powerless. But now that I am home, I can fight for these children. I can speak up for them and share their stories. I am taking action to help ICC raise awareness of the need not only that these children have but the needs of ICC. ICC is there and wants to do more but they need our help. They need the funds to be able to do it. ICC has an annual 10k walk/run around the world, Walk the Wall, for this purpose. Will you join me in fighting for these children?

Visit http://www.walkthewall.org/ for more information, to find a location near you, and to sign-up. The 10k is taking place on September 24^th. If you are unable to participate, please consider sponsoring me! Go to my page by clicking here and give online. Some of you may be unable to do either one, but I ask that you pray. Pray for these children and those taking care of them.

It is time...

Almost a year ago, someone shared a vision with me at the Awakening. She saw a butterfly. It was very detailed and had intricately designed wings. It was beautiful. But in her vision she could only see one wing. The rest of the butterfly was hidden behind a wall. The wing she saw was sticking out from behind that wall. After she shared her vision, she looked at me and said “that butterfly... that's YOU.” She felt that was where I was at and that part of the reason for this trip was for me to fully emerge in who God created me.

I was leery of what people said when they had “visions” and maybe a bit skeptical at times. I wasn't sure how I felt about them and didn't want to believe anything just anybody said. I did not know this girl personally and she didn't know me. So this story, this vision... I KNEW was from God. When PEOPLE talk about someone who is quiet and them coming into who they are, they usually use the phrase, “coming out of her shell” or something along those lines. I have never heard anybody compare it to a butterfly behind a wall. And the fact that she had used the world “wall” really struck me because the first week in the DR, I had told my teammates that I knew I had walls up and wanted God to break them. That week at the Awakening, I had found a lot of freedom so it was encouraging to hear that at least one wing was sticking out from behind the wall!

Fast forward a couple months and we are in Malawi. My team was paired with another team and one of the girls loves to draw. One day she decided to draw on my hand. When I looked down, she had drawn a butterfly... and it was flying. I looked to her for an explanation and she simply said, “You are a new creation.” Malawi was exactly that for me. I grew a lot spiritually and I walked into more of what God had for me. I was living surrendered and walking in faith into what God was asking me. At the end of Malawi I felt like I was flying! One night in particular we were together as a squad for worship and I somehow ended up on stage speaking to the group – encouraging and challenging them. The walk back to our hostel, my team leader was holding on to me because she thought I might “fly” away. I got to talking with her and one of the guys we were walking with about how I was feeling – such joy and things along those lines. He made the comment, "we get that way when we walk into who we are and into our giftings."

God has spoken to me in different ways over the course of the year and one of those ways was through butterflies. Now that I am home, He has once again used a butterfly to speak to me. This time it was through seeing a real butterfly – an Easter Tiger Swallowtail – pollinating some flowers outside our front window on Sunday. I was sitting inside looking out the window trying to process what just happened at church.

Sunday's sermon was from Psalm 97 and our pastor was talking about how God calls us to go deeper with Him and calls us to action. To love God we must hate what he hates – SIN. We must get rid of evil in ourselves and in the world. We must work to destroy it and help those oppressed by it. The pastor went on to talk about ways people to do that. My mind automatically jumped to things I saw and experienced on my trip; China in particular and tears sprang up. I tried hard to fight them off. The sermon ended and the pastor asked us what God was calling us to do. The music started to play and people began to sing. My mind being on China, I prayed... “God I'm organizing a walk right now, what more do you want from me? What more CAN I do? What do you want me to do? I don't know! I wish you would just tell me...” Tears started to well up again, and again I tried to fight them off. However, this time my dad, who was sitting next to me, noticed. He put his hand on my back and with that, I couldn't hold them back anymore. The tears flowed and I could do nothing to stop them. God then spoke and said, “THIS is what I want from you. I want you to be vulnerable. I want you to show your brokenness.” So I sat in church and I cried. After the service ended, I was able to wipe my tears. We went to the pastor and talked to him about the sermon, about the issues in the world, about my walk. His comment was “This is the heart of God.”

So we came home and I sat in the living room lost in thought. I was looking out the window and I saw a butterfly. I have seen other butterflies and they flit and flutter around... you don't see them very long but this butterfly was different. I knew that it was meant for me. I watched it for a long time and as I stared at the butterfly, I asked, “What are you trying to tell me God? What does this butterfly mean?”

He reminded me of church. In church, we sang the song Hosanna... and we were singing “...heal my heart, heal my heart and make it clean. Open up my eyes to the things unseen. And show me how to love like you have loved me. Break my heart for what breaks Yours. Everything I am for your Kingdom's come. As I walk from earth to eternity. Everything I am, Everything I am....” We pray and sing songs for brokenness but do we really mean those words?? Do I mean those words? Do you?

He reminded me of the sermon. He hates what happens in the world. He hates it so much that it GRIEVES Him. He doesn't leave after a month. He is still there. Still seeing what is going on... not just what is going on in China, but what is going on around the world with orphans, street children, human trafficking, poverty, and the list goes on and on. It hurts and pains Him. These are the things that break His heart.

I sang those words and God has broken me; yet, it is not something I want people to see in me. When we were in China, God broke me. I saw and held dying children. God taught me to love as he loves. When I share my story, I tend to share facts, details, things we did... I don't share my emotions. I don't want to talk about the emotional part of it because I don't want to feel the hurt and for fear of becoming emotional. I hate being vulnerable and often times hide myself from people for that reason – to protect myself. But the fact remains: I am broken. Whether I show it or not. There have been many times that tears well up in my eyes and I brush them away and just as many times that I lock myself in my bedroom at night and cry.

And so with that butterfly, God spoke to me and said that through my tears I displayed His beauty. I don't particularly see brokenness as beautiful especially when it involves tears and snot running down my face but God does. Through my brokenness, I showed HIS heart. I showed HIS beauty. I need to stop “flitting and fluttering” around and sit in His presence and “feed” on Him. I need to allow others to actually SEE and not just “fly by” them. God is telling me it is time. It is time to come out from behind the wall to show HIS beauty. It is time to stop hiding. I need to show who He has created me to be. For this, this is the work He has done in me.